Today's post needs a bit of an introduction. This guest poster is a virgin blog writer and is popping her proverbial cherry here on The NoteBook Blogairy! For this, we applaud her! This is a piece written from the heart and very well may be the beginning for a much longer piece along the memoir lines.
Today also happens to be Wednesday. Why is this significant? Because this guest poster is at a pivotal point in her life. One could almost say she's at a hump in the road. (Okay, really bad pun but you get the idea!) This post contains some deep heartfelt emotions that may be difficult for some to read and is spiritual in nature but not overly or dogmatically so. However, her story is powerful. It's a story you'll not soon forget. Without further ado...
Well, I have to confess. When I was asked to write about what inspires me, I was stumped. I had been going through a depression of sorts. At time I spoke to the blog lady, I had recently had a conversation with a co-worker in which the highlight was smoking legal weed. I was telling him how I wished that I had some form of terminal cancer so that I could get the prescription. I explained how I would carry a “QP” in my backpack, the paperwork and tell the cops where they could stick it. Yesss indeedy, this was one of those conversations.
There was another fellow co-worker present who suggested that I should wish for high-blood pressure instead of the cancer. But when he looked me in my eyes, he saw something that made him squint. He backtracked and said, “Naahhhh, don’t wish for that,” and he promptly averted his gaze…
I thought nothing of it; it was just a conversation, right? However, shortly after these conversations, I did begin noticing that I had started drinking and smoking cigars more frequently. The weight I lost began creeping back onto my hips and thighs. Feeling heavy, ugly and alone, a conversation started in my head that I couldn’t stop. It went like this:
Why should I do all of this work to keep the weight off? For what? I have been single for over a decade and a half; almost as long as I have had my job (which I hate). Sure I was in school, doing great, too, then that dream got deferred. I’ve run out of money and opportunity. What am I living for? Haven’t I tried to do right? Tried to be right? Haven’t I tried enough prayers, meditations and yoga asanas? Didn’t I bathe in the right rivers and oceans? I’ve already read the Bible, Koran, the Torah, and have been well-versed in the I Ching yet and still – here I am. At square one. Is it worth it? What has my entire lifetime been worth?
After this browbeating from self, I would just sit on my couch and think, drink, smoke and eat. The next round of browbeating went like this:
I know I can’t take my own life because that has consequences…but what if I got cancer?
The browbeating paused because suddenly I would feel better; just the thought of me being terminally ill made me feel so happy! I felt lighter. Liberated. Free – almost as if death would be the best thing that could happen in my life. It would end all of the problems and all of the pain. I have nothing to live for: no children and no family of my own. I am nearing my 40th decade on this earth and have been on my own all my life. Alone. In my mind, with the options and opportunities I don’t see in my future, I feel I am well beyond childbearing age.
This is not at all how I thought my life would be or wanted it to be. Living to pay bills and to consume is not a full life but with all that I have done and with all that I have studied I would consider myself to be…spiritual.
Surprised? Me, too!
Years ago, I thought that at this stage of my life that I would be floating on a mountain by now because of all the Ohms I have chanted. (smdh)
But nope, I am just here on my couch like so many other people wondering if my life is even worth the effort. I have done all the spiritual things that is supposed to save my life – I know dammed well what I need to do!
· How to meditate to lift my energy levels
· How to plant seed-thoughts to counter negative feelings
I know how to do these things and more. Why do I know? Because I have consulted so many gurus in my lifetime. They have shared with me 30 different ways to move up and down a street without using my feet! So, why am I still in this funk?? !??!
Well, what I can say is that over the years all the opening of chakras has enabled me to have a very keen sense of hearing and a deeper and more elaborate sense of what is going on around me. I have been able to experience many things that I don’t believe the average person experiences
But, one of the most important things that I have learned is that I am my own savior. I know that I have the power inherent in me of the eternal pool spring of energy for which I owe my existence. Because of this knowledge, I know I was born with everything I need to succeed.
So why am I sitting on my couch rotting, you say? Well, I learned all of these things, but when the “schlep” hits the fan, I want them to exist in a neutral space where everything is Zen. However, that’s not how it works. The Powers That Be intended for these spiritual tools to be used. It is precisely when I feel like death is my best option that I should make meditation my sword and shield. It is when I feel like my life is not worth fighting for that the asanas of yoga become the grace by which I save myself. But it is I who must become the plow in order for the good to happen in my life.
The Psalms do work to uplift the mood if prayed meaningfully and consistently. I am my own failure, or at least I have been. I haven’t given my life a chance. I get so focused on each and every step (the small stuff!!), that I take and take and forsake all that has been given to me. I instead look at what I don’t have because my life hasn’t followed the Harlequin/Rich Dad/Happy Guru “script” I envisioned.
Here’s the thing. It’s okay to be human. It’s okay to be tired. Life can be difficult but I can no longer act like I don’t have what I need. There are so many things that I have learned. I know better. At the end of the day, I only have myself to blame.
I have begun meditating again and I have resolved to go back on my diet full force. I will buy a new juicer, as my old one died, and start with a juice fast. I have resolved within myself not to give up on my life; to let my future success be my inspiration. And with all of the energy that I have I will fight for my life – to really and truly live and not just survive.
I would like to thank my ancestors for being with me, and never letting me go. It is because of them that I have been bent but never broken.
Lastly, I would like to thank you all for reading this post. Please, for the sake of this world, be your own inspiration. You already have all you need and we need you!!
Peace, love and light be unto all of you from this day forth and forever more.
About this Guest Poster:
She prefers to not add a byline to this piece. Instead, she wanted a link to her original unedited piece. Please Note: It is a longer work -- over 1600 words and expresses true raw emotions.